Taking Away The Pain
by staystrongleaX
Summary: Rachel's not coping with Finn's death. No one knows what she's doing to herself. No one knows until she faints in the diner. And all her secrets come revealed...Warnings: Contains Self Harm and Anorexia/Eating Disorders.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings: This deals with anorexia/eating disorders and cutting/self harm. I know this will never happen in the show and Rachel would NEVER do this. But it's just a story, so please don't take it the wrong way because I know Rachel's ****character would never give in like this. **

**Anyway, Read and Review **

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**Rachel's POV**

I don't feel like getting up in the mornings. I don't feel like I have to. Why should I walk out the door if I know the love of my life, the first love of my life, won't be walking the earth with me? I should just stay here in bed. And never come out again.

But Kurt had other ideas.

He literally dragged me out of bed. He told me that I had to go work my shift at the diner, ever since I turned down the Funny Girl role after...him. I couldn't do it anymore, it was all wrong. So I went into the bathroom. Claiming I would wash up and start moving on with my life. But all I could think about was that he wasn't here anymore.

What was here though, was in the bathroom drawer. I opened up the doors and saw it just sitting there. I just needed something to take the pain away, just anything. So I grabbed it and looked down at my arms. I rolled up my sleeves and just did it.

The pain was overwhelming, I was beginning to get dizzy. But it was such a relief and watching the blood pour satisfied me. I haven't been eating for days, I'm just not hungry, and I refuse to eat when Kurt gives it to me. I know I've lost weight, Santana says I'm as thin as I am short. And she calls me a midget. So she's saying that I've gotten thinner and less pumpkin like. They seem worried, but I'm not.

I'm startled by a loud knock on the door "Hey Berry!" Santana yelled through "Hurry up, we're going to be late" she says. I roll my eyes and quickly clean up. I've lost so much energy, but the makeup I quickly put on my face covers it all up. I roll down my sleeves and open the door. Santana is looking at me with that same sympathetic face.

"Get dressed" she tells me softly.

I nodded and then walked into my room. I changed into my uniform, which doesn't even fit me anymore it's so lose. I must have lost more weight then I thought. I feel so cold in it because of all the room. I need longer sleeves to cover up the cuts and how much weight I've lost in case they worry. So I put a sweater on underneath and then walk out.

Santana looks me up and down and sighs "Berry-"

"No Santana, we're going to be late" I cut her off as I walked ahead. Kurt glances at me but he doesn't say anything. He just opens the door for me and walks with me out of our apartment. The wind hits me and I shiver, I look up at the sky and just wish he was here.

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At the diner, Kurt insists I sit down because I keep swaying. I convince him I'm fine again and get up. Kurt is in the kitchen helping out back there and Santana is out here, she is keeping an eye on me I know. But I make sure I'm all covered up and then go get the order.

"Are you sure you can carry all that?" Santana asks me.

"Of course I can" I take the tray that is surprisingly really heavy. I suddenly realise how empty my body is and the cut is starting to open again and I'm trying to keep a strong face but I can't. Every step hurts and my body can't keep up. I start to sway and slip again.

"Rachel?" Santana calls, making sure I'm alright.

That's what I hear just before my whole body gives in and I fall to the floor. My knees hit the ground and my body falls shortly after. I hear Santana screaming "Oh god! Rachel are you okay?" but I've already collapsed on the floor. My eyes closed. My cuts bleeding. And my heart still aching.

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**Was that really awful? I don't know, anyway, should I continue this or not? **


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: Self harm/eating disorders.

Question: Pezberry endgame?

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"ugh" I woke up with a groan. I looked around and realised I was in the back room of the diner. Maybe the room next to the kitchen and I was sitting on the floor. No wait, I was in the bathroom. This room is surprisingly clean. I look up to see Santana wrapping a bandage around my arm. She looks into my eyes and I see worry and anger all mixed together.

"I can't believe you" she said.

I look down. I still feel lightheaded but there is no way I'm admitting that. What happened to me? I don't even remember. Santana lets my arm go and it drops to my side. I look up to see her wash her hands in the sink "Kurt should be here in a about a minute, I asked him to bring you some food"

I groaned "Not hungry" I whispered.

She bends down to me and I feel a little scared at her glare and she takes my chin in her hands "Don't care"

I attempt to huff but the door opens and Santana quickly pulls my sleeve down so he can't see the bandage. He looks at me heartbroken "Please eat"

"Not in here" I said in disgust. Eating in the bathroom is just gross.

Santana sighs "I'm sure Gunther has some kind of OCD, this place is so clean" she said "But you're right" she adds and carefully puts her arm around me and helps me up. Kurt takes the tray out and probably goes to put it on a table for me.

I lean into Santana's arms "You're not going to tell him about the..." I motion down my arms and she shakes her head "This will crush him, he is still upset about Finn too you know, and I doubt you would want him having to check you everyday, even if he is gay"

I looked at her confused. Why would he check me everyday- oh no, I shake my head but she nods "Yes, I'm your friend, I'm not going to let you keep doing this to yourself, we have to find a way to move on"

"I can't" I cried.

"Yes you can" she tells me and she helps me down onto a chair and pushes the tray in front of me.

"Eat" she ordered.

I sighed. She wasn't going to drop this.

I slowly picked up one of the fries and slowly put it to my mouth.

"Now open, and chew" she directed and I glared at her because I knew how to eat I just didn't want to eat.

I finish half of the fries because that's all I could think of eating. And then she directs me to the burger and I finish half of that as well. Kurt walks up to us, he has explained to Gunther that I have to take a break. And since Santana is sitting right next to me she's probably on a break too.

"You finished half of everything" he commented.

"I feel like half of me is gone, that's why" I whispered quietly.

"Maybe you should go home and rest" Kurt advised me "I'll come with you"

"No!" me and Santana protested.

I looked at Santana "I'll take her" she told him.

"Why?" he looks skeptical at her kindness and so do I.

"Because" she shrugged "I gots this" she tells him. He rolls his eyes and watched as I got off my chair and started walking towards the door with Santana's arm around my waist.

"Why are you being so nice?" I asked her.

"You're my friend, and I care about you" she explained.

I never really thought Santana cared about me. She was about as selfish as I was. And that was the truth, but ever since Finn's death. She has been surprisingly kind to me when she wasn't avoiding me. I think because no one wants to be around someone so depressed all the time because it depressed them even more.

I got onto the train with her but stayed very quiet as I thought about what I could do when we got home. Because I would have to be extra careful if Santana was going to keep checking me. I forgot she was even there until she leaned in and whispered to me "When we're home, Auntie Snix is going to take a look at that bruised body" she said it in the way that had my heart beating, when it shouldn't.


End file.
